This is just a side note(February 20, 2010)

Ok, so I haven't been keeping up with this, and it's not going to continue for awhile. In almost every single one of these posts, I have been crying my eyes out, and right now I'm not emotionally capable of going through all this again. It's hard for me to think about my mission right now. Then there's that great question of "why?" Why did I only go for 5 months, why did Heavenly Father want me to come home? Why do I have to be here now? Why do I have to feel ripped off all the time? I may never know why, but I do know that my life has completely changed. My plan is no more. It's Heavenly Father's plan now. Just trying to figure out what he wants me to do.

You would think, "Why wouldn't Heavenly Father want me to be on a mission?" Isn't that the best place for anybody to be? Well, after many long talks with my mission president, stake president, and several bishops, it is clear that that is not the best answer for everybody. In many cases, it makes things worse. It's difficult to understand if you haven't experienced a mission, and my situation is a little different. I Still haven't really explained it to anybody, so I feel no one understands, and there's no way they could, unless they were there.

I'm not going to lie, my faith took a major hit. There are times when I wanted to just throw my hands up and say "I'm done" It really makes no sense. Yeah Yeah yeah, I know things don't have to make sense, but it would really be nice to have some understanding as to why my life turned upside down. I'm just trying each day...trying to be content, trying to help others, trying to be a little better, trying to pray again...that's basically all I can do right now...is try.

I do know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know it. It's evident in everything that surrounds us. I will get back to this blog eventually. I'm sure no one has read this far anyway. I started it as a way to get my emotions out and deal with them in a constructive manner. Well, I'm off to bed. Hey I'm not even crying tonight. What a blessing.